April Wine – The Nature of the Beast

Transcription of Reverend Jimmy “Explosive Diarrhea” B’s sermon delivered at the Church of Cheese, 8/6/2010

*Warning, the good reverend Jimmy is perfectly in tune with the rock and roll gods. This is manifested in the cheesing of tongues, which can be upsetting to some readers.

Good evening brothers and sisters, whoooo-ah, hallelujah, welcome to the church of cheese, fedalappimozzerella. Tonight, children, I want to discuss with you the importance of making righteous dairy choices.

In the beginning, 1981, there were four men, four “Bad Boys,” who called themselves April Wine, who were “Caught in the Crossfire” between wine and cheese. I am here tonight to spread their message not “Just Between You and Me,” but “All Over Town.” Amennn-ah!

These prophets of the curd, on their ninth and holiest album, The Nature of the Beast have presented cheese in its purest, most highly pasteurized whey. Mmmm whoo-ha! There are no progressive additives or immoral complexity introduced in the production process. Brothers and sisters I want to read to you from the song, “Wanna Rock.” Please turn to page three of the liner notes.

Don't wanna move or get out of bed
That rock 'n' roll's going straight through my head
They say I'm stupid, I really don't care
Whatever they say, well I say that's fair

Children, I would be remiss if I didn’t emphasize that all followers, particularly members of the Church of Cheese, must be willfully vacuous. Cheese must be permitted to go straight through our heads. Additionally, April Wine commands us not to care what others think. Purveyors and consumers of cheese must turn the other cheek-ah. We cannot let the disapproval of those we love sway us from our chosen path of consuming cheese.

All I wanna do is rock 'n' roll
All I wanna do is rock and rock some more
Wanna rock, wanna rock
Wanna rock, wanna rock

Yes, yes, yes, gorgonzolamuenstergouda! We all want to rock n’roll. Let the rock enter your souls. Hallelujah!

Don't waste my money driving 'round in a car
Save my money for electric guitars
Disco music's just a social disease
If it don't rock me, then it ain't gonna please me

We can all learn something from this stanza. Guitars are the center of the cheese universe. We must focus on the almighty guitar, brethren, and care little for money. All extra money should be placed on the collection plate (checks can be made out to the Church of Cheese). With your charitable donation, brethren, we can stamp out the blight of evil known as disco music and the culture of excess that accompanies this sinful music, which carries with it the funkiness of Vieux Boulogne. Whooo, give me an AMEN-AH!

All I wanna do is rock 'n' roll
All I wanna do is rock and rock some more
Wanna rock, wanna rock
Wanna rock, wanna rock

…stiltoncolbyccottagechechecheese…

Turn up the music, let's have a good time
Don't pull no punches, lay it right on the line
New wave, old wave, third wave will do
It don't matter when I'm dancing with you

Hallelujah, dancing! Heed this lesson, friends, the almighty April Wine commands you to shake your ass, not to club beats, but to 1980s guitar rock, waves and waves of 80s cheese.

All I wanna do is rock 'n' roll
All I wanna do is rock and rock some more
Wanna rock, wanna rock
Wanna rock, wanna rock, wanna rock

Brothers and Sisters, whoooeee, we all wanna rock, and rock we shall. Let us partake in this offering provided by the music industry. Take April Wine into your head and become one with their vintage cheese. Yes, sometimes cheese can carry a funky smell, but we must open our minds and let the cheese in. Brothers and sisters, when it comes to cheese, you can’t do much better than April Wine.

In the name of the lord, I anointed my taint with April Wine until I cheesed.