Festivus Grievances

You may have noticed the days are getting shorter, the sky a little darker, and depending on where you live, a hell of a lot colder. You know what that means? Yes, it is time for the airing of the grievances. The Taint Ticklers set up their Festivus poles, and angrily typed out their 2010 musical grievances. Read on and share our pain.

Anita Papsmear:

1. Why oh why do people think Michael Buble is a good singer? What is that all about?

2. If I have to endure another Sugarland video - I will murder someone.

3. Christian music is really just children's music with religious buzz words put in the chorus.

Class Warrior:

1. I wish that punk rockers could make innovative music without it being completely unlistenable. Remember: it's called punk ROCK!

2. Judas Priest should not break up ever, and Joey, Johnny, and Dee Dee should have been resurrected after three days in the tomb. Roll back the stone - they're not there!

3. Two-year-olds should not have delicate eardrums that you have to protect from loud concerts.

4. All popular music in 2010 is wretched garbage engineered in capitalist labs in an attempt to extract more surplus value from us. Twenty-five years ago, only ninety-eight percent of pop was corporate sugar-coated turd candy. Let's get back to the good old days!

Dave:

1. Formulaic doom/death/thrash/stoner metal bands need to stop putting out the same album over and over.

2. Hypsters bringing back the worst recording format ever the cassette tape.

3. Blast beats don't require good drumming technique, and ruin any groove a song might have.

4. I don't care how fast your band can play, that was already done in '89, write something memorable.

5. A lot of people have gotten this stupid Idea that really extreme bands come from Scandinavia, when really all they did was water down Florida death metal, and put on stage make-up to be scary like Scooby Do villains with guitars.

Jimmy “Explosive Diarrhea” B:

1. I still hear people talk about how modern music sucks. There are shit-tons of cool underground bands out there. Get off your asses and go find it you lazy fuckers!

2. I have run out of room in my house for new music, yet I continue to buy more records. I have a problem.

3. The next time someone tells me Rush is a metal band, I am going to put my foot up their ass. Do you hear me SoDak?

4. Blue Oyster Cult is on the oldies circuit playing casinos and fairs. Jesus fucking christ on a pogo-stick, I am getting old!

5. Ozzy Osbourne continues to be an embarrassment.

6. U2 continues to unimpress and Bono’s hat continues to get better treatment and shelter than the poor populations for which Bono claims to be fighting. How can a man, the New Internationalist calls one of the world’s biggest tax dodgers, claim to give a fuck about the needs of the poor.

Kloghole:

1. Metallica did NOT announce their retirement.

2. $40 dollar T-Shirts at the Iron Maiden show. You have to be in the band to afford the fucking things.

3. People who buy all their fucking music digitally. Go to a goddamn record store and get your fingers dirty, you fucks.

Null:

1. Oasis break-up
(More on this later in my Top 10 of 2010)

2. Kid Rock continues to suck corporate cock and steal precious oxygen from more dignified organic life forms. I went to high school with this prick. Well, at least he is consistent in his moronic shallow stupidity.

3. Gwyneth Paltrow records a “new country” song for her lame ass movie and …..ummm…releases it as a single.

I have a theory. It goes like this…the more rich and famous you become, the more fucking stupid and delusional you get. Look, she is pretty, has a nice voice, and can act(?). Why the fuck would she do this kind of horrid shit when she could have any movie role she wants…like say, an intelligent and creative independent film? I saw the video of her “single” from the pre-fab stereotype VH-1 Shania fucking Twain nightmare reality and I just…the world is…plastic is organic …and commercials for cleaning products are the only real human expression…what the fuck! The sad truth is that all the fucking urban city/country folk think Shania Twain is “roots” music and I am sure they can’t tell the fucking difference between a wishing well and god’s giant anus. Is this a music video or a GAP ad? Wait, my false assumption is that there is a difference. Fuck that bitch and the slithering sweatshop corpses she rode in on.

4. Rolling Stone magazine continues to be referred to as a music magazine, and not the music industry bitch it actually is.

5. Bono

At this point, buddy, you wouldn’t know what socially conscious means if it crawled up your ass in giant bug glasses. (See my “theory” in #3 above - “The more rich and famous you become, the more fucking stupid and delusional you get.") Don’t get Bono mad…why, if we don’t end famine in Africa now, Bono might do something rash like…like…go buy a new leather jacket.

6. The continual perpetuating lie that Ryan Adams will finally release the 100+ acoustic albums he recorded.

7. Once I thought Lita Ford had a good song. 30 songs later I realized I was horribly mistaken.

8. Take all the time you need, boys - but I am dying for a new Fugazi album.

9. I am still unable to find the second Malignus Youth LP or get a copy of Les Thugs’ Nineteen Something on vinyl.

**Unexplained Phenomena of 2010

1. Repeatedly listening to the Ratt album Invasion of Your Privacy on the way to school.

2. Somehow, every couple of weeks I put Cannibal Corpse’s Evisceration Plague in the CD player and stare at the speaker like a dumb-founded dog stares at the TV when a dog barks during M.A.S.H.

Plainzero:

1. People just hearing early '80s metal for the first time telling me how good it is.

2. Speaking of '80s metal, could Slayer, Anthrax, Megadeth, etc... please hang it up? You haven't released anything good since 1990.

3. Why are '70s southern rock bands like Linnerd Skinnerd or the Almond Brothers, for example, still around? There isn't an original member left and its kept alive by some dude that smelt the lead singers sweaty balls at a concert in '76.

4. Thanks to MTV, people with no talent such as Snookie get paid $25K to make an appearance at some nightclub, which goes to show there is no justice.

Scott:

This year Isis announced that they'd be breaking up after their tour. I had seen them live once before and they put on a great show -- really powerful and hypnotic at times. So I was pretty bummed. A friend of mine and I got tickets, we spent a couple of hours boozing away our sorrows at a bar before the show, then headed over and saw the Melvins open. They were great. But, it was a bittersweet night, ya know? So we spent most of the Melvins set hanging around the bar in the venue getting plastered. Then, the lights went back down, we pushed our way up through the crowd, Isis took the stage ... and then I woke up the next morning. (I'm pretty sure that sometime during the set I got kicked out for falling down the stairs on my way to the bathroom, and then just went home -- but who knows?) So this grievance is directed mainly toward myself. Alas, poor Isis!

SoDak

1. Paste Magazine. This fuckin’ “magazine” is really just a series of advertisements for clothing, booze, etc. It is a piece of shit. Why did I ever subscribe? When No Depression folded, my subscription was transferred to this steaming pile of crap. Unfortunately, I had paid for a subscription for several years. The CD with each issue of Paste had some interesting bands on it, and it was the only thing that made the magazine worthwhile. This past year Paste, which was supposed to be “monthly” magazine, only put out a couple issues. There is essentially no content to this fuckin’ magazine. How fuckin’ hard is it to throw some ads together? They ended their print version. Guess, I won’t be getting a fuckin’ refund. Fuckers. Fuck.

2. Judas Priest announcing their farewell tour. Boo!

3. Scorpions announcing their retirement and releasing a final, lackluster record with three songs with the word rock in the title—so original.

4. Hearing Gang of Four’s song “Natural’s Not in It” in a commercial for Xbox Kinect television.

And now, the feats of strength…