Festivus Grievances 2011

Another year has passed, and the taint ticklers remain pissed. The Festivus poles are erected, and it is time for the airing of the grievances. Read on to explore our 2011 musical grievances, past wounds, and general discontent.

Anita Papsmear

Worst Things in Music 2011

I get so excited when I put a CD in the player for the first time. Hearing a new piece of art is an exhilarating thing. So, when I unwrapped the latest Kooks CD, the juices began to flow! Their 2008 sophomore release Konk was a decent effort. The first 3 songs showed all the promise of a young, ambitious, English band. Unfortunately, much like a sophomore, the disc shoots its wad by the third song and the rest of the CD just peters out. My expectations were fairly high for this year’s release, “Junk of the Heart,” because typically, after a lot of youthful jerking off, one settles down to do the deed right—to last for all 12 songs. The first couple of notes from track one start soft, but that’s to be expected right out of the gate. There is still ample time to stiffen up and satisfy. Too bad that is where it stops—it just stays limp. I reach for my Viagra smelling salts, it can’t be over yet, can it? It’s a 12 inch—I mean—12 song release that is almost tall enough to ride the ride, but not quite powerful enough to ring the bell, if you know what I mean. I was expecting to get a good kick in the manjigglies here, but instead I was left with an empty, hollow feeling. I mean, when I grab a pair of plums, I expect to get a handful. My mitts didn’t get the satisfaction of a full pair of hairy nuggets. Instead I found that only one testicle had dropped and it was still small and fuzzy. Maybe with the next CD, the other crackerjack will drop and I will get the satisfaction I am looking for. That said, there might be a couple songs on the CD that aren’t completely disappointing. Perhaps if my copy had the cover of Foster the People’s “Pumped Up Kicks” there would have been another track to comment on (the track appears on later pressings of the CD). I hate to be too harsh, I am sure they are nice guys despite the disappointments of “Junk of the Year Heart.” Let’s hope their fourth release has them maturely emerging from their adolescence with their mighty and hairy cojones in their hands! Still, the Kooks aren’t the biggest disappointment of the year.

That award goes to…Panda Bear and their disc, Tomboy. You may be asking yourself, “But, Anita, I’ve seen that CD on many a 2011 Year End Favorites lists.” “Yes,” I’ll say, “so did I. But they are wrong!” It’s the guy from Animal Collective (Noah Lennox) and some other cohorts, so how can it miss? Here’s how: repetition, repetition, and, did I mention, repetitive repetition? Sometimes identified as “glo fi” (and many other terms such as chillwave). Chillwave’s roots are based in 80s music, combining samples and ambience, interlaced with dance-y beats. I love the genre, however there is a dangerous strain of repetitious mind-benders out there (Noah) casting a haze on the lovely ambient sky. While it is a common element (I get it), to take it to this extent is merciless. It just doesn’t work to take one good hook, one good phrase, and then loop it together for 5 minutes. I’d sooner grow a pair of love spuds out of my ass and back-leg kick them until they were bloody and swinging than listen to the same thing over and over again. Okay, where was I? So, I saw Panda Bear’s Tomboy on a list of 2011’s great CDs (fuck you, Magnet Magazine) and thought, “I’ll just buy it—it’s gotta be good.” I like Animal Collective and I like chillwave. GONG! The disc was a huge disappointment. This CD is almost like Noah et al. took great songs and deliberately fucked with them until they became unlistenable—a dare to the ears to make it all the way through a song. They have taken great, lush melodies and have run them into the ground. At times, it seems as though the CD is stuck in place or even skipping. Pretty becomes abrasive, catchy becomes unbearable monotony, full, shiny balls become shriveled, old plums…you get it. Reports say Animal Collective may break up so that Noah can follow his Panda-ness, but honestly, if Panda Bear can’t do a little more interesting work here, what is the point? It’s like shaking it more than 3 times after you pee, you might enjoy it at first shake, but later you know it was wrong. My advice to Panda Bear: put your catchy hooks into one song and call it a single and be done. And me? I’ll pick up my Animal Collective disc when I need a chilly fix. Not even with the most supportive of jock straps can I tolerate this one.

P.S. I was also slightly disappointed with The Kills and White Denim’s latest releases too…sigh….

I give a collective 2 Papsmears on both these releases.

Class Warrior

The first is always a grievance until we are able to resolve it: we need to divorce popular music from corporate control. It’s as good a reason as any for a revolution.

Second: where is the Devil? Why did people stop being concerned about His presence in music? I want people to be worried about the music I like, and I want them to be worried for the right reasons. Now that I think about it, I’d rather people were worried about revolutionary music. Would Satanic music cause sleepness nights for citizens of a socialist society?

Third: I demand more time to listen to music. Working fifty-hour weeks (and that’s a good week) and having a little Warrior at home does not allow me to rock out as often as I would like. I fall asleep before I get a chance to listen to anything. I have several hundred albums in my listening pile that I may never have a chance to hear. Yet another reason for revolution—think of all the time we would have for music creation and enjoyment once we got rid of all the shitwork! (This is also Mrs. Warrior’s grievance—the lack of time for music, that is.)

Fourth: Scott Walker—the politician—is a steaming pile of shit. No, that’s too good for him—shit is useful once composted. Let’s compost Walker. Fuck that guy. Once we win the revolution, he’ll face a choice: work in the salt mines or die in prison. Not sure which alternative would be sweeter, but that’s a dilemma I don’t mind facing. Oh, yeah—Walker’s existence makes music less enjoyable.

Fifth: that “Friday” song by Rebecca Black should be on here somewhere, I guess. Even I, who has never heard anything by Lady Gaga or similar “artists,” saw the video for this song, which should tell you how many people know about it. Reproduction of corporate-marketing-inspired products (e.g., pop music) is a disease, and socialized production is the cure.

I have saved the biggest grievance of all for last, and it has nothing to do with socialism or the Revolution. Judas Priest, WHY DID YOU SKIP MINNEAPOLIS/ST. PAUL ON YOUR FINAL WORLD TOUR?

Dave

1. I haven’t done a good job of keeping up with music in 2011, but I can honestly say I can’t think of more than 3 records that came out this year that caught my interest.

2. In the last 2 years I’ve seen bands with members over 40 years of age rock twice as hard as bands half their age. I rock harder than kids 10 years younger than me. What the fuck?!? The old addage that rock and roll is for young people is over!

3. The Stop Online Piracy Act: As far as the music business and the RIAA is concerned, this protects labels, the for profit marketing and distribution networks much more than it could ever protect artists. It protects the middle-men that make sure that a band’s songs are never longer than 4 minutes, that musical ideas in the songs are rarely more complex than anything Led Zeppelin did, and that mediocre bands like Radiohead are called band of the millennium because other innovative bands like Minus the Bear and Pretty Girls Make Graves weren’t given proper exposure on radio and in the print magazines because they won’t play the major label game. We’ve reached a point where we don’t need big record companies to produce music anymore. Technology has reached a point where an artist can produce, distribute and market their albums on an international level by themselves without big money influence. Better yet, imagine if Lady Gaga or Madonna had to put together their own stage shows or perform simply as singers with good backing bands.... Would they last? Hehehe.

4. Where did all the really creative people go in the independent music scene? I hate seeing so many musicians work so hard to fit into a specific genre. I thought part of the reason people write and release their own albums is to do their own thing regardless of the larger music community?!?

5. I was very excited to hear in 2009 that Kevin Hufnagel and Colin Marston (Dysrhythmia) had joined my favorite death metal guitarist Luc Lemay in reforming one of the most innovative bands in the death metal genre—Gorguts. I’ve been waiting 2 years for this album and really, really want to see these guys on tour, what is the hold up!!!

6. Primus released a new album this year that was really fun and totally Primus.... Apparently only lingering Gen-X Primus fans took any notice....

7. The Portland Oregon creative community becomes more a parody of itself every year. FUCK YOU Portlandia.

8. The emergence of a mainstream punk community that runs counter to the spirit and ideology of the original community and movements, WTF!

Jimmy (Explosive Diarrhea) B.

1. What the fuck is Mastodon doing producing an ineffectual little turd nugget like The Hunter? Why would a talented band like Mastodon take such a giant step backwards? The nut-hugging fans are attempting to explain the change in direction as a progression. Fuck that! A progression is a step forward by doing something more complicated or more interesting. The Hunter is neither interesting nor complicated. 2. R.E.M. called it quits in 2011. Why? Were their professional lives getting in the way of their social lives? I guess not touring and releasing albums sporadically every three to five years is way too demanding. They will be missed. 3. Rush let another year pass by without releasing Clockwork Angels. They don’t realize how much they are fucking with my mental health by always promising the carrot, and keeping it just a little out of reach. 4. In 2011, I saw two shows—Nomeansno and Death Angel—at the Hawthorne Theater in Portland, OR. This, in my opinion, is the worst venue in Portland, and has got to rank as one of the worst anywhere. The sound at the Death Angel show was fucking awful; I couldn’t even find the music’s groove. All I heard was a wall of noise. The guitar and vocals were lost in the muddy mess that is the Hawthorne’s sound system. I will never set foot in this venue again. 5. Finally, my friends, I have to kick my own ass a little bit. 2011 was a very non-creative and unproductive year for me. I only wrote two or three reviews. I am a lazy, lazy man.

Kloghole

1. The idea that Lady GaGa (or by extension, Madonna) is liberating to women. Portraying an exaggerated depiction of men’s expectations of women as sex objects is not feminist, nor liberating. Gaining power by succumbing to a nauseatingly essentialized view of women only reinforces sexist assumptions that women are men’s sexual playthings. Wealthy women in the Victoria era gained power by fainting. It worked, but it also gave the medical profession more ammunition to assert that women were “hysterical” and needed to limit their physical and intellectual exertions in order to meet men’s sexual needs. I didn’t buy the Madonna strong woman bullshit, and I won’t suck on the festering cock of an idea that Lady GaGa is anything but degradation of what it means to be a woman. It just reinforces the hypersexualization of women and the idea that a (heterosexual) man should be able fuck anything that walks just because he has a cock. Even more offensive are folks that try to compare and contrast the two as if either one had a fucking thing to offer. Let ‘em both rot in their own fetid diarrhea.

2. I just heard the song “Hillbilly Bone” for the first time this year. I am still incredulous. I can’t figure out if Blake Shelton is so fucking wrapped up in his hetero-normative masculinity that he does not recognize the homo-eroticism explicit in the lyrics, or if he is really a crafty son-of-a-bitch who secretly hates the pathetic homophobic rejects who willingly sing along to “We all got a hillbilly bone down deep inside.” It even mentions “queens.” Wow! I just cannot imagine that someone at the record studio didn’t lean over to someone else and whisper, “I’ll give you a hillbilly bone, Shelton.” Maybe I am bit homophobic for giving a shit either way.

3. Of all the new albums I bought this year, not a fucking thing stands out. Am I that fucking old. Fuck. The paucity of new music that I have been able to identify had me manipulating, thoughtfully, a copy of Blake Shelton’s Hillbilly Bone album. Jesus Fucking Christ. I await, optimistically, the unlikely earth-rending events of 2012. Come-on apocalypse!

Null

1. Hidden Tracks / Bonus Tracks

This issue has been bothering me for many years now but it was this year that I was finally fed up with this complete and utter fucking bullshit.

Hidden Tracks: Shortly after the advent of the compact disc, record labels and bands became aware of the incredible amount of unused space on the CD compared to vinyl and cassette formats. Unfortunately, this led to the annoying trend of adding “hidden tracks” at the end of albums. Usually the result was that just when the album seems to be over, the listener is witness to an incredibly long track, or tracks, of silence. This silence can range anywhere from 3 to 20 minutes, at which point an usually annoying joke song or ridiculous noise track suddenly emerges from the speakers. Often these tracks are only funny to the band and under other formats would never see the light of day.

What is even worse is if the track is actually a great song. In order for the listener to enjoy the song he/she has to fast forward through 20 minutes of fucking silence to hear it. Doing this a few times just makes the listener ambivalent about the song altogether. What started out as a cute little quirky aspect to the production of CDs has become an annoying pet peeve for this music lover. Look, if it is a good song just add the motherfucker to the normal tack list so that it can be enjoyed by the listener. The “joke” wasn’t really that funny to begin with and it only irritates the listener. At first, I thought this was just a trend that the bands thought would be funny for a little while, but the motherfuckers are still doing it today! Nobody really wants to hear your fucking drunk acoustic medley of Kiss songs away, so spare us. If the song is good, as they often are, then don’t take a big shit on it, just put it on the fucking CD with the rest of the tracks. I envy people that only listen to vinyl pressings because they don’t have to put up with this moronic and unfunny joke—however, if the vinyl listener misses out on a “mind-blowing” hidden track, well, I guess that just illustrates what idiots these bands are in the first place.

Bonus Tacks: First of all, let me state the obvious. If a listener picks up a CD and finds that after the “last track” the words “Bonus Tracks” appear along with a few songs listed below, well, guess what?, they aren’t fucking bonus tracks because they are on the fucking album! Calling them Bonus Tracks is an oxymoron. By their appearance on the album they are already part of the whole. If they don’t belong on the album then leave them off or release them in another format, but don’t tell me they are a Bonus, when, by default, they are already part of the album. I’m not necessarily saying the songs should be removed. The more music the better but don’t fuck me with your words like a car salesman that tells me the steering wheel is a bonus feature. This is simply a ploy by the record companies that lead the buyer to believe they are getting something a little extra when in fact twenty thousand CDs where printed up the exact same way. Fuck.

More importantly, and more irritatingly, there is the how-can-we-fuck-the-fans-in-the-ass aspect of Bonus Tracks on digital versions of albums. A listener goes to the record store (if he/she is lucky enough to still have one in his/her town) and buys a much anticipated new release from one of his/her favorite artists. All is well, until he/she finds out that that the iTunes or eMusic digital versions of the album has 2 or 3 bonus tracks—or even more annoyingly it only has 1. Often, these digital version only Bonus Tracks are quite good but…wait…there’s more, not only is the fan forced to buy the Bonus Tracks digitally—ohh, yes,yes, computers are everything, I want to cum on them and stick them in my ass—these Bonus Tracks are not available for individual purchase. Oh, no. The fan must digitally re-purchase the entire album to get them. Fuckers. This is just another way that the artist, and primarily the record company, fucks real fans in the ass, as well as, obscures the actual sales of albums as fans end up buying more than one copy of the same album. Astonishingly, this is not only a trend for major commercial artist but also for underground artists.

It used to be fun, in the old days and in the British tradition, to get your hands on a single that had a non-album b-side track(s) because it was a great way to hear new tunes in-between full-length releases—but this shit is neither fun nor exciting—it is just another irritating example of the record industry fucking over the very people that keep them alive. It is no surprise, of course, that the record industry in not about art, the “humanities,” or expression, but instead, like everything else in a capitalist technology worshiping society, it is only about profits. It is the slow suicide of record stores, community, voice, and eventually the planet itself.

2. Joe Perry’s Unused Shirt Buttons

Joe Perry needs to button up his fucking shirt. I saw an interview with him recently and was repelled by his attempt to be sexy. Joe, you are not sexy. You look like you have been on a hunger strike to legalize cocaine. Listen, I love early Aerosmith but this guy hasn’t even written a good song since 1979. I mean, I know that Bruce Springsteen has suffered from the same problem—not buttoning up his shirt—in the last 10 years. But then, Bruce Springsteen has written some of his best songs in the last 10 years. Also, give the guy a break. He has shared the stage with Little Steven (whom I love) for years, and evidently Bruce has been raiding Little Steven’s closet in search of mystical gypsy necklaces and silk scarves for quite some time now. Hell, if Little Steven lived next door, I would probably look like the bloated 6-string slinging Italian gypsy he has become. The man obviously has a certain fashion-ical influence on the Boss. I’m not saying Springsteen doesn’t need an Occupational Therapist to help him figure out how to proceed past the first four buttons on his shirt; I’m just saying that I have accepted it from him. Besides, Bruce probably works on cars and stuff and exudes a certain middle-aged sexuality that middle-aged Jersey women everywhere can recognize. But Joe Perry is just creepy and his chest bones stick out like the starving Aerosmith fans that have hungered for a good Aerosmith song for the last 20 years. Let’s, face it, Aerosmith have always been ugly, which is often the cornerstone for a great dirty riffing rock band. I recognize the creepy but alluringly sexual virginity-stealer that Steven Tyler was in the 70s but if Joe Perry thinks a little make-up and boney chest exposure makes a stuffy old millionaire-recovering-coke-addict sexy then I almost wish he never went to rehab. Joe, button up your fucking shirt, drink some whiskey, and go sleep in the garage and vow to never use pro-tools again and there may be some hope for you and your band. Well…not really.

Plainzero

(Coming soon.)

Scott

When someone in a well-loved band decides to quit, there’s usually a big fan backlash. I don’t like this. Musicians are people with their own lives and their own reasons for doing things, and if they feel like they need to move on, they should. They don’t owe it to the fans to stick it out in a situation that isn’t right for them, or to hold back on whatever creative impulses they have. This is especially true if there’s a bad situation developing within a band (especially related to drug or alcohol abuse or whatever). Sure, if that musician is crucial to the band’s sound, it sucks when they leave—but all you can do is wish them well, and hope that the band will continue to create great music.

That’s what some tiny rational portion of my brain thinks. The rest of my brain, however, has spent the last several months thinking NEVERMORE: WHAT THE FUCK. I mean, seriously: Jeff Loomis and Van Williams, guitarist and drummer, who are both totally essential to the sound of what I think is one of the best contemporary metal bands, what the fuck. Are you fucking kidding me? Fuck.

Nevermore split earlier this year, and the future of the band is in doubt. The lineup that played on every single Nevermore album (along with a number of rotating second guitarists), has fractured down the middle, with Loomis and Williams on one side and vocalist Warrel Dane and bassist Jim Sheppard on the other. From what band members have said, it was an ugly split. Loomis and Williams are out, and Dane and Sheppard may or may not continue without them.

This is especially shitty because Nevermore has developed a unique sound that draws on all the players’ contributions, but in particular the way that the rhythm section locks into the patterns of Loomis’s stellar riffs. And it’s even more shitty because the band was at the top of their game—their latest album, The Obsidian Conspiracy, which I reviewed for this venerable website, is fucking great, and the one before that, This Godless Endeavor, I think is their best. But everything before that was really fucking good too.

Fuck.

What’s next? Well, we can make an educated guess. Warrel Dane released one solo album, Praises to the War Machine, which is good but uneven, and feels thin without Loomis’s guitar work. And Loomis released one solo album, Zero Order Phase, which is good if you’re into instrumental guitar wankery (which I sometimes am), but has truly fucking awful song titles like “Opulent Maelstrom,” and is nothing but instrumental guitar wankery. Clearly, these guys need each other, and we can conclude that the classic-line up of Nevermore was probably greater than the sum of its parts.

Maybe the remaining members will be able to find suitable replacements and match the greatness of the band’s previous work while also pushing it in new and interesting directions—that’s the best outcome. And maybe Loomis (with or without Williams) will put together a great new band, or release a more fully developed solo album (he has one due next year). Dane is working on reforming his pre-Nevermore band Sanctuary, which could end up being great. All these things are possible.

But it’s more likely that Nevermore, the band that did not give a fuck about playing an uncool style of music and very much gave a fuck about writing challenging, serious songs and lyrics, and absolutely fucking killed it in the process, is dead. Here’s the last song off the last Nevermore album: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_L3IMUfiZVI.

We’ll probably hear nothing quite like this again. That’s my grievance for the year.

SoDak

1. I must file a musical grievance against myself. Throughout the year, I intended and wanted to write many reviews, but I failed. Additionally, I fuckin’ missed seeing the Bad Brains. Shit.

2. Every time I read a recent interview with Dave Mustaine he is such a fuckin’ douche bag. His reactionary, right-wing diatribes and born again proclamations are mind numbing. For the sake of honestly, I admit that I have every Megadeth record and think he is a very talented musician.

3. Fuckin’ Bono. It is almost impossible to even know where to start this fuckin’ piece of shit and his empty fuckin’ gestures. The list of crap is long, so for now, I will simply list links to a couple recent essays that highlight some of the ongoing issues. Wish this fucker would stop blowing smoke up our asses. (Again, as a point of full disclosure, I have all the U2 records, and loved the early records.)

http://davemarsh.us/?p=951

http://www.chumba.com/blog/ (This one is just for fun.)

4. R.E.M. calling it quits. Shit.

5. Mojo magazine for constantly putting the Beatles or one of the Beatles on the cover. The ongoing circle jerk regarding the Beatles has fostered a dislike of a band that I actually enjoy.

6. Not sure if it is a musical grievance or a big disappointment—regardless, The Mirror by Jill Andrews was a stinker. I loved her work with the Everybodyfields and her first solo EP, but the new record is uninspired and filled with drivel.