Festivus Grievances 2016

Music and death were coupled throughout the year. A few of the taint ticklers share some musical grievances.

Anita Papsmear:

Death.

Jimmy:

Rock and Roll Hall of Fame: The hall, like almost every year, deserves a bunch of “What the Fucks!” Yes was admitted to the hall this year. WHAT THE FUCK! They should have made it decades ago. Also Tupac Shakur is now in the hall. WHAT THE FUCK! This guy only released four albums. Joan Baez, although talented, is not a rocker. WHAT THE FUCK!

Death. Death, you fuck, why not take one of the younger hip hop hacks? Leave us our iconic performers for a little longer. The list of dead icons is getting long. Keith Emerson and Merle Haggard both joined their ranks in 2016.

Lita Ford. I read a lot of biographies. I know when I start the book I will end up hating the artist. There have been a few exceptions, Tony Iommi, Pete Townsend, and Mark Arm for example. Lita, you annoyed the crap out of me in 2016. You presented the reader with sex, drugs, and rock and roll, but you provided no insight into your feud with Joan Jett, and you took absolutely no responsibility for the bad stuff that has happened in your rock-and-roll life. Also, you dared to call yourself the queen of heavy metal, while calling the grunge scene adult contemporary pop. Apparently you only listened to the Stone Temple Pilots and Pearl Jam; The Melvins and Mudhoney are more metal than you could ever hope to be. By the way, wasn’t “Close My Eyes Forever” the closest thing to adult contemporary pop 80s hard rock ever produced? And, Doro Pesch will always be the queen of heavy metal!

Kloghole:

1. We have not had any reviews this year. Nuff said!

2. This is not my grievance, but others may be annoyed with me because I did not enjoy Prince’s music. There are some folks whose music I really do not like (you can add George Michael to that list), but can appreciate their contributions and talent. Prince was one of those—people with incredible musical talent, but I really cannot stomach. Our demons will all catch up with us eventually. RIP, you purple gnome! Wish you had more time to grow on me.

 

Null:

1. Digital Music

Fuck it. I’m done.

I used to download an album or two from iTunes every once in a while. This would only happen if the record was rare, hard to get a hold of, or was unavailable somewhere else. Considering I don’t have an iPod or cell phone, I always had to burn my download onto a disc so I could listen to it in the stereo or car, etc. Well, now CD-Rs have a very short lifespan. Why even bother?

This year I only downloaded one album digitally. It was from a band I saw live that didn’t bother to make any physical copies of their album. Look, if you don’t care enough about the music you create to actually produce an album, not in the virtual, but in the real world, then why should I put so much effort into trying to hear it? Shit, at this point I would take a cassette tape.

Other than the one, I haven’t digitally downloaded anything this year and I think my musical experiences are better for it.

Now I know that digitally downloading virtual music is a great way to hear new music and it can really benefit people on a limited musical budget. I get it; I have no money, but I just can’t be bothered anymore. The compressed sound is too obvious to me and, like Bob Mould said, “The importance of your music can be measured by how difficult it is to get rid of.” I’m paraphrasing, but if all one has to do to get rid of a record is press “delete,” then it wasn’t worth much to begin with. This is coming from a guy who has moved all his heavy records in boxes over the years.

Furthermore, the digital distortion and compression of MP3 files have become so normalized that people don’t even notice how shitty they sound. Every once in a while I will turn on the radio and I will hear this horrible shattered high end on the music coming out of the car speakers. Some big radio station is playing a preprogrammed playlist from some crappy MP3 file. It sounds like rubbish. This quality of recording would never have made it on the radio years ago. And yet, no one seems to notice.

Because music is now harder to come by, I think I cherish it more and spend more time with albums, like I used to. For me, this has enhanced my enjoyment of these records.

The grumpy old man says, “Fuck it. I’m done.”

2. Dead People

A lot of musical icons died this year and they will continue to do so into the future. It is because we are aging and our formative musical icons are dying away. It is still weird and I long for the respite of a month or two when I don’t have to wake up reading the obituary of someone who taught me a lot about music. Prince and Bowie seemed unusual because they somehow seemed eternal. I do find it interesting how I emotionally respond to some of this news. Some of them I have little emotional reaction to, while others I feel rather deeply. I guess it is an indication of how much his/her music actually meant to you. Prince hit rather hard, even though I haven’t been a massive fan since 8^th grade. But then, he was the guy who led me through puberty, so there’s that.

P.S. Drugs will kill you.

3. Genesis, Abacab 2015 Remastering

Sometimes I like to go back and listen to the old Genesis records. Don’t ask me why. I grew up with them. I never had the album Abacab, so I picked up the 2015 remaster. Holy crap. This record was remastered so bright and loud that all dynamics were completely lost. Also, listen to this, it is almost impossible to listen to in headphones because it literally hurts your ears. I cannot believe that this ever made it out of the remastering process without someone shouting, “What, what the fuck did you do?” Never, in all my years of listening to music, have I ever heard anything as horrible as this. Unlistenable. For such a big band, one would think they would have some safeguards against this. I was shocked.

4. Phil Collins’s first three records (Face Value, Hello, I Must Be Going, No Jacket Required) remastered:

Since I am on the subject of Genesis, I will say that I have always been a fan of Phil Collins’s first three solo records. Yes, they get a little worse as they progress from the first to the third, but I still think Face Value is an excellent album and quite a bit different than what we normally associate with the adult contemporary dribble he made in his later years. The remastering on the original albums is great. Unfortunately, they also each come with a bonus disc of live stuff and some demos. The live stuff just reinforces the adult contemporary aspect of what his music was to become. It is hard to convince people that Phil’s early stuff is great and he defiantly isn’t doing me any favors with these bonus discs. Also, the original album covers were replaced with similar depictions of him at his current age. It is a cute idea, but they don’t even have the original picture from the original albums anywhere in the new remasters. You don’t fuck with this shit. Here I am, a 44-year old man, bitching about what photo of Phil Collins is on his new remastered records. I have reached a new low and retired my dignity. Anyway, Face Value is still a great record.

5. The 1975, I Like It When You Sleep, for You Are So Beautiful Yet So Unaware of It (Interscope, 2016)

I wrote a review of their first album in June 2014 on this website. I loved the cheesy 80s sound of their first record. It had obvious guitars, bass, and drums along with sweeping 80s keyboard flourishes. I thought it was a classic of an unwritten John Hughes film. I feared that their second album would suck. I was right. This is standard modern pop crap. Horrible. I guess when you have 10 years to write your first album and 2 years to write your second, problems arise. I’ll just pretend they broke up after the first record.

6. The Naked and Famous, Simple Forms (Somewhat Damaged, 2016)

I fucking love this band and this isn’t a bad record, it was just disappointing for a simple reason. The real, analog guitar, bass, and drums that they so brilliantly balanced with keyboards and electronically generated music has simply vanished. There is a little bit of guitar on this record but it is buried in loud drums and keyboards. They went full-throttle into a contemporary pop sound. I saw this coming. I wish I were wrong more often. The fantastic and moving melodies are still there. The great harmonies are still there. However, it feels unfinished. Sometimes, while listening to this, I think I am listening to a Katy Perry record. Not good. I am afraid that The Naked and Famous lost a little bit of what made them so special. If I could simply go into the studio and remix the album with some real guitars and such, I could make the album great!

7. Modern Pro-Tools production

Every fucking band has the same production these days! I realize there are exceptions. Between the “Loudness Wars” and the digital production of modern records, the world has lost the hallmark of great records, namely, dynamics and separation. For one example, I love Iron Maiden and I think their latest album Book of Souls was great. However, with every release, the mix becomes more muddied, in that, it is hard to separate the instruments, and dynamics are lost. I could name band, after band, after band that suffers from this. Why do most bands believe this is the way to go? Why does the popular radio sound dictate these artistic choices? What is wrong with these people? If you think that we can make music and filter it through some universal mastering process, and still produce something unique and timeless, then you are a fool. I love how everyone talks about how cool the old albums used to sound and how their production was a big part of that sound, yet they continue to produce their albums in such a horrible modern way. Is it me? Go back to your Tascam cassette 4-track recorder for the next album and give me something that sounds real. Thank you, very much.

SoDak:

The Dicks from Texas (2016).

I was looking forward to watching this documentary about the legendary punk rock band The Dicks. Unfortunately, this film suffers from shitty production, lack of narrative, and superficial discussion of the band. Over the last decade, there has been many great rock

documentaries. This film is sadly a joke.

Amy (2015).

I do not know Amy Winehouse’s music, but I will check out most music documentaries—or at least try to watch them. I watched the first half hour and was bored out of my mind.

Metallica and Brioni (Italian Luxury Menswear).

Wow, look at the ads featuring Metallica wearing $7,000 suits. It makes me want to fuckin’ puke. Who the fuck thought of this pairing. These guys are suck fuckin’ ass clowns.

Justice Album Covers.

I do not know anything about this band, nor should I care. But when I go to the record story, I keep seeing records by this band. Guess, they like to put a cross on everything. Their covers look like shitty Petra record covers in the 80s. Unfortunately creative album art is dying.

Diarrhea Planet, Turn to Gold (2016).

Was very much looking forward to this record. Unfortunately, it is drivel, as they took a turn toward run of the mill indie bullshit. I saw them play again at Riot Fest. They still kicked ass, except when they played new songs.