By Chastity Morgan
It is with great sadness and heavy hearts that we announce the rising of Charlie Kirk’s corpse on June 31, 2026. According to the official White House calendar, Charlie Kirk rose from the dead at the end of the government fiscal year to celebrate the United States semiquincentennial. Kirk’s resurrection was about a month and a week shy of Jesus’s 40 days on Earth before ascending into the clouds. After only four days (depending on which calendar you follow), Kirk’s corpse’s soulless bag of rotting flesh descended back to the 8th circle of hell with all the other hypocrites and false witnesses following a not-so-freak deliberate act during a Civil War reenactment.
On September 10, 2025, Charlie Kirk exited this world the first time with a bang in Orem, Utah. His death caused massive uproar, especially amongst the pervert right who used his assassination as an opportunity to double down on their obsession with American teens and their genitalia. The transgender community became a target, once again, of Kirk’s hateful rhetoric even in death. Media outlets in search of one of the millions of reasons for Kirk’s assassination fanned the flames with their inability to sort out fact from rumors.
Following Kirk’s death, employees in private and public industries throughout the country had their First Amendment rights violated. Roughly 600 people were fired or suspended after their social media comments about Kirk were characterized as “disparaging of his legacy.” A year later, spineless universities like the University of Tennessee—Knoxville settled lawsuits for the wrongful termination of its professors. This outcome reminds us that it’s perfectly acceptable to call a person an asshole in life and death.
Kirk’s death wasn’t dismal for everyone. Turning Point chapters started popping off (no pun intended) in colleges and high schools. As the male loneliness epidemic runs rampant, Turning Point promises a camaraderie based on misogyny, purportedly “Christian values,” and a weekly circle jerk. Erica Kirk is also living her best life with her organic sweet almond cream decaf matcha venti lattes with a shot of espresso. There are even talks amongst the pervert right of making Erika Kirk J.D. Vance’s running mate for the 2028 presidential election.
Just this weekend, on the 250th anniversary of the Fractured States of America, Charlie Kirk’s corpse descended back into its fiery inferno after being staked through the other side of the neck by a Robert E. Lee reenactor. A Ulysses S. Grant reenactor relayed the events preceding Kirk’s corpse’s death. According to Grant, Kirk’s corpse was ranting on about poverty being a byproduct of low moral character and women’s only purpose being for procreation. After about 15-minutes of incessant rambling, the Robert E. Lee reenactor picked up a wooden stake and stabbed it through the non-hole side of Kirk’s corpse’s neck. Lee was relegated to the only weapon he had, a wooden stake, because according to the National Civil Association, “The possession of live ammunition, either period or modern and/or the possession of modern weapons in camp are prohibited.” When the Lee reenactor was asked why he did it, he simply said, “His values were too conservative for the Confederacy.” In an unlikely turn of events, the Grant and Lee reenactors shook hands over the corpse’s corpse because stabbing Kirk’s corpse was the only thing these two could agree on throughout the whole war.
In lieu of hate speech please consider donating to Planned Parenthood (https://www.plannedparenthood.org/get-care/our-services/gender-affirming-care).
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