The 1975- Self-Titled

(Vagrant, 2013)

Reviewed by Null

Apparently, when Michael Hutchinson was hanging himself and jerking off, there was a little jizz that fell on the carpet, crawled away, and started a band. I think this is how The 1975 came into being. Supposedly, they started the band when they were about 13 years old. At 22 years old, they made a record after several EPs. But I don’t really buy it. This record tests one’s tolerance for modern 80s cheese to its most challenging level. So the question is: How tough are ya? To provide an answer, I will quote Springsteen, “Babe, I’m tougher than the rest.”

This review is really a call out for help. I need to talk to someone. My musical guilty pleasures have reached a level that has made it hard to manage—of late. Should an alcoholic go to AA if s/he still really enjoys drinking? Probably, but music isn’t gonna kill me. But it sure can make me feel better—and soft, like a middle school memory.

“Step into your skin? I’d rather jump in your bones. Taking up your mouth, so you breathe through your nose.”

Like, before I had solidified my own identity—or even French kissed a girl.

“She said, ‘It’s your birthday, are you feeling alright?’”

Like, when smelling the girl that I passed in the hall was the height of my erotic experiences.

“She said. ‘Use your hands and my spare time—we’ve got one thing in common, it’s this tongue of mine.”

When I used to spend a lot of time alone, listening to tapes. And there were some good 80s pop tunes on John Hughes Soundtracks that seemed to resonate with this feeling.

“Your obsession with rocks and brown and fucking the whole town is a reflection on your mental health.”

What if a band were born of a make-believe black-and-white world where every aspect of the culture was based on a John Hughes disposition? Somehow, this album answers that question. I think they are from Australia circa 1982 but they say they are from the United Kingdom. Liars.

“Now everybody’s dead—and they’re driving past my old school […] Babe, you look so cool.”

Though a few tracks on this album are “tougher” than others. They write their own songs and turn their guitars up louder than the album mix when they play live. Too bad the guitars are mixed so low on the record. I mean, their great at what they do. However, sometimes they feel only a few frightening steps away from a boy band. Thankfully, they are a real band even if they are way too good-looking. Regardless, “Don’t Change” by INXS is one of my favorite songs. And if you don’t like Madonna’s “Crazy For You” and “Live To Tell,” then you’re just lying.

“She said, ‘It’s not about your body, it’s just social implications are brought upon by this party that we’re sitting in. I’d like to say you’ve changed, but you’re always the same. I’ve got a feeling that the marijuana’s rotting your brain.’”

Maybe Kajagoogoo really had more to offer than just “Too Shy.” On second thought, I don’t think I’ll go down that road. I listened to Cannibal Corpse’s Gore Obsessed earlier today just to make sure I was OK. It sounded great. I’m going to be OK. Music isn’t gonna kill me.  Besides, Springsteen’s “Tougher than the Rest” is a love song, anyway.

“She’s got a boyfriend anyway”

Still, I'm thinking about getting a poster of the lead singer with no shirt on for my rock room. I’m a 13 year old girl who loves music. So, fuck you, skinny jeans.