By Jack Rafferty
I recently had my third endoscopy operation of the past year, since being diagnosed with a pesky chronic condition, Barrett’s Esophagus. The doctors need to go in there and make sure there aren’t any precancerous cells fucking about. Now, while I certainly wasn’t jamming to tunes while under the cloudy, euphoric influence of Propofol, I’ve since envisioned some tracks that I think fit the experience.
Cattle Decapitation, “A Living, Breathing Piece of Defecating Meat.”
There’s something about the bodily horror of perceiving potentially significant health problems crawling around in your mortal shell that really brings songs like this to mind. The ugliness of the sound is cathartic when thinking about your insides betraying you. The lyrics, “When I try to speak through my spurthole, I simply choke on the mucus like aaaaghghghgaaah,” seem fitting when thinking about my esophagus full of scar tissue. I usually keep Cattle’s lyrical content at arm’s distance due to the misanthropy throughout a lot of it, but few bands capture the feeling of disgust with the world better.
Slipknot, “(sic).”
While I haven’t listened to Slipknot much in recent years, there are few things that satiate rage for me like their first two albums. I was an angry kid, and grew up listening to them, so I think that has a lot to do with the staying power they have had in my life. They got me through a lot of dark shit, so I guess it is fitting that they would be here. There’s a lot of tracks that would work here, but “(sic)” has always been one of my favorites.
Mischief Brew, “Coffee, God, and Cigarettes.”
To brighten things up a bit, Mischief Brew’s cheery and witty tune about the dour topic of addiction and the vices we sometimes swap to unhealthily cope with it by attempting to replace it through hypocrisy and denial and not heal from such struggles doesn’t exactly apply here. However, now that I can’t drink anymore (or have coffee or cigarettes), I guess I’m just left with living a healthy life against my will. It’s good for me in the long run, but that doesn’t mean I have to be graceful about it. Just because it’s good for me, doesn’t mean I have to like it!
The Pixies, “Where Is My Mind?”
I feel like this song is fitting in the context of being put under and coming out of it. The feeling of being lulled into a black void and brought crawling back from it, the disorientation, makes me think of this song. “With your feet on the air, your head on the ground” explains it pretty well. There is something eerily off putting about this song, where it has a slightly happy, slightly melancholy melody to it, with those ethereal backing vocals. I think about death often, almost obsessively, and certainly to a fault. I sometimes wonder if falling into death would be like the few seconds of euphoria you feel on Propofol before gliding off, only with the addition of a shitload of DMT being mainlined at the last moment. There’s plenty of songs that would fit a moment like that, but I feel like the guitar riff for this song, coupled with the haunting vocals of Kim Deal, would be appropriate in such a moment.
Phalanx, “Sajo.”
Back to some pure rage. Phalanx knows exactly how to bludgeon the fuck out of your ears, short and sweet. Just like the next one.
Knocked Loose, “Deadringer.”
My tombstone was made at birth
My coffin is on my back.
Not much to be said for the inclusion of this one. Just crushingly heavy. Makes you feel like a concrete wall is falling down on top of you, but in a way that makes you feel better.
Blaze Foley, “Picture Cards Can’t Picture You.”
Along with the anger toward things we cannot control, there comes a sense of calm at times, and a level of acceptance, that allows us to focus on kinder thoughts amid terrible happenings. Throughout my grappling with troubled thoughts, I can always think of my partner, and know that no matter what the future holds, I’ve had the time that I’ve had with her, and nothing can take that away, which is a balm. It’s tough to pick a single song that Blaze wrote that encapsulates that feeling, let alone any song, but I think this one fits best.
Peter Oren, “Anthropocene.”
How will we escape this lunacy?
How will we escape this hell?
How will we escape this hell they paved?
How will we escape this hell?
How will we escape this hell we made?
How will we escape this hell?
Considering certain extents of individual struggle within a much larger context of dread and suffering across the earth makes one consider deeply the frailty of all things, and cultivates the desire to want to make the most of what little time we have here to help others while working to dismantle the systems that destroy the lives of so many, that destroy the very conditions that make the planet livable in the first place. Peter Oren reflects this sentiment perfectly throughout his entire album Anthropocene, but particularly nails it on the title track.
Pink Floyd, “Time.”
Speaking of life’s frailty, I feel like a good one to send us off is one of my favorite Pink Floyd songs (even though I do hate all the damn clocks at the beginning), which always makes me ponder how ephemeral our short time here is. However, this song over the years has transformed from making me feel gloomy to just making me feel humbled and present. Overall, this health thing is rough and something we all struggle with to varying degrees. It sucks to have to deal with, but it’s at least something I can live with, and isn’t utterly dire as it currently stands. I can be angry about it, but it is here to stay. I need to do what I can to make the best of it, continue putting my energy into whatever good work I can, and just be present in my humanity and the humanity of others as long as possible.
And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it’s sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same, in a relative way, but you’re older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death.
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