By SoDak
In May 1992, several dozen friends crowded into the basement at the House of Edge to see Schlong play. It was their second time performing in Rapid City. We loved hanging out with Dave Mello (who previously played in Operation Ivy), Pat Mello, and Gavin MacArthur. They were as quirky and funny as their songs, which were filled with odd time signatures. As the local band Junk was wrapping up their set, an eviction notice was served, so the event turned into a final hoorah for shows in this basement. Schlong quickly set up, not sure if the concert would be shut down by the police. We had been listening to their new record Waxy Yellow Buildup (1992), memorizing the lyrics. As soon as the frantic, seemingly chaotic songs started, we locked arms around each other and danced around the room. When Schlong played “It Sucks to Be Fucked By Jesus,” it turned into a big sing along.
I got a letter from Jesus Christ.
It said get down on your knees and close your mind.
Don’t mind all the blood and pain.
It’s just part of the game.
I am a punk, a fucking punk, fuck you Jesus.
Joining the band, we erupted into a choir of sheep noises, just before the chorus.
Ba ba blaaaaaaaa.
It sucks to be fucked by Jesus, it sucks.
It sucks to be fucked by Jesus, it sucks.
There were more animal noises. We continued to sing:
So I got down on my knees.
But little did he know I had my long fucking knife.
Stuck right into his dick, but he didn’t have one.
This was followed by yet more animal noises, including some oinks, before the rememberable chorus.
It sucks to be fucked by Jesus, it sucks.
It sucks to be fucked by Jesus, it sucks.
Quickly, the lyrics set up a fight with Jesus. The room exploded as Schlong incorporated riffs from the Rocky fight song just before the ending. Smiles abounded as sweat was shared.
Along with the Waxy Yellow Buildup record, there was a bonus seven inch, a split between Three Finger Spread and Nuisance. Both bands on this record were brilliant. Three Finger Spread was an acoustic side project of Schlong. In 1994, they released an additional split seven inch with the country punk band Elmer. Many of us were obsessed with these recordings, given the sarcasm, dark humor, and catchy songs. Three Finger Spread incorporated mandolin, banjo, violin, and guitar, with sing along choruses in high-pitched voices. “Phone Me, Bone Me” was about shoving a phone up the butt. During the song, they made funny noises, as they mimicked dialing a phone number. “Kitty Kat” was about a situation where the narrator was jealous that a loved one liked the cat more than him. He pondered if he run over the cat, would they still be together. “Gone, yes, she’s gone. There goes your pussy cat. Gone, yes, she’s gone. I saw its little head go splat.” The short song “Shit Shit” included the catchy lines, “fire here, fire there, burning all your pubic hair, burning everything in sight.” An additional gem was the song “Pisstoy” about the vampire Christ, which culminated in a sing along:
Come to my church, come to my church.
Fuck you and your fucking church.
Come to my church, come to my church.
Fuck you and your fucking church.
Get down on your knees to pray.
Ain’t going pray in your fuckin’ church.
Get down on your hands to pray.
Ain’t going pray in your fuckin’ church.
We made cassette tapes of these songs to circulate. As we drove through the Black Hills, heading out to hike, we would sing along, imitating the twisted Three Finger Spread voices. It was quite joyous, uplifting our spirits.
In June 1993, Three Finger Spread was added to a show at the VFW Hall. Accompanying them on this tour was Geoff Templeton, the bass player from Motherload. We were quite giddy, excited to see them play. While talking with the band, they encouraged my friend Mike to drive home to get his violin to join them on stage. They told Mike the key and showed him the chord progression, then set off into each song. On that day, we had a punk rock jubilee, clapping our hands, stomping our feet, and singing with the band. In addition to the aforementioned songs, they played “Pickin’ Up the Soap,” with the line “don’t bend over, I know you know better”; “Will You Go Out with My Mom,” with the lines “maybe I should buy some Preparation H, maybe I should buy some Advil, oh no, I better make myself a cup of coffee, maybe I should masturbate”; and two cover songs, including Slayer’s “Epidemic” and Journey’s “Just the Same.” From the soundboard, we recorded this performance, allowing us to circulate another tape of Three Finger Spread.
For weeks, following this performance, we were elated, constantly talking about how much we loved Three Finger Spread. In late July, as evening was approaching, we headed into the Black Hills to watch the sunset from the top of a limestone outcrop off of D Road, hoping to see the Perseids meteor shower that night. We hiked up the hill, climbed the rocks, and spread blankets. From there, we could see the meadow to the north and the winding road through the Ponderosa Pines to the south. In the distance, a motorcycle was churning gravel through the curves. Above the whine of the engine, we heard someone singing. We recognized the voice; it was Mike. As he was riding his rusted Honda, he was singing the versus and choruses, first “Phone Me, Bone Me,” then “Pickin’ Up the Soap,” and finally “Pisstoy.” We stood up to watch him make his way to our location. Smiling, we joined him, yelling out, “Come to my church, come to my church. Fuck you and your fucking church.”
After Schlong’s fourth show in Rapid City, in April 1994, they obliged our request to also play a Three Finger Spread set. We provided them with acoustic instruments, gathered in a small side-room in JJ’s Rose Arcade, for a punk rock hootenanny, until the club closed. Thirty-one years later, I can still hear Mike’s gleeful voice in my ear and see his huge smile.
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