Album Covers Review: Volume One (Foreigner, Head Games; Morrissey, Swords; Linda Ronstadt, Silk Purse)

By Null and SoDak

To begin, it is important to note that Null and Sodak talk about everything under the sun, including album covers. In a series of reviews of album covers, we would like to address that old question, “What the fuck?”

Our first album cover is Foreigner, Head Games (Atlantic, 1979)

Null: I’ve never been a fan of Foreigner.

SoDak: Who is? I’ve never met one.

Null: They always seemed like sweaty polyester, masculine 70s rock to me, but it feels like this album cover has haunted me my whole life. I’ve never heard the album, but I would come upon it in record stores when I was still in elementary school and I found it to be shocking and frightening. My first impression was that this girl was about to be sexually assaulted in the men’s bathroom. The look on her face is that she’s horrified by something—either by something she just did or by something that is about to happen to her. The slightly grainy texture of the photograph just made it that more creepy. As a kid, I would look at it disturbingly and then move on to the next record, but inevitably in the future, I would see it again and again. I, mean, seriously, what the fuck?

SoDak: When I first saw this album when I was young, I was completely confused. I did not want to look at it for very long, as it was unsettling, but I wasn’t sure why. The image entered by head, but I did not linger. I was not sure if she was peeing in the men’s urinal. Of course, her skirt would then be dangling against the urinal cake. And then, why the fuck was she holding the toilet paper? To pat herself dry?

Null: At first, I didn’t even notice she was sitting on the urinal. If she is peeing? She is either going commando or she didn’t pull her underwear down. Is she taking a crap?

SoDak: Maybe that is the shocked look, as she has just been caught squeezing one out? But, again: What the fuck? There are four stalls next to her. How old is she anyway? She is dressed like she wants to go roller-skating.

Null: Her skirt is all musical notes. However, the toilet paper is problematic because it is coming from inside the stall. Did she crawl under and grab it?

SoDak: And why the hell is she stepping on it?

Null: I don’t think it’s intentional. It looks like there are names and/or numbers on the stall and she is trying to wipe them off. I wonder if she is wiping off her name and number that someone else wrote up there.

SoDak: I think those are names of Foreigner songs. “Double Vision” is written just underneath her ass on the wall of the stall. That song is not even on this record. Guess, they thought their previous album was so worthy that it could be scrawled in bathrooms.

Null: And it is written in urine stained color. It seems the more I know about this cover the less I understand. If this is meant as “bathroom humor,” I don’t think it works very well. I still find it disturbing. It looks like it could be a still from the movie Friday the 13^th. Overall, I am still left with the impression that the camera lens is a sexual predator. Maybe that is part of the reason it is so creepy. The photographer puts the viewer in an uncomfortable situation.

SoDak: Not to mention the girl in the photo.

The next album cover is Morrissey, Swords (Sanctuary, 2009)

Null: I have been a major fan of The Smiths for the majority of my life. Morrissey has quite a few good records too, but he is a little hit or miss. I thought The Smiths had great album covers. They were always a picture of some unknown, wayward, alienated youth of some kind, which I think perfectly captured the music. However, when Morrissey started making solo albums he adorned them with pictures of himself. I think he should have stuck with The Smiths tradition. Swords is a collection of b-sides from his output from the early 2000s. When I first saw this album cover I figured that quality control had gone out the window. The cover is horrid.

SoDak: Does he think he is a great explorer? Where is his spyglass? Maybe he is trying to strike a pose similar to Rodin’s The Thinker, but for a modern, nature loving audience. Then again, when I think of Morrissey, I never imagine him in the woods. Who the fuck knows? Perhaps, he is looking for Grizzly Adams, and thinking about the fun they will have together.

Null: With that look on his face, he seems to be suffering from gas pains. Is that why he is bending over? Also, he seems to have captured the “I’m Bruce Springsteen and can’t find the top buttons of my shirt” disease.

SoDak: He certainly seems to be trying to present himself as one of the common people. Guess, we all have gas pains. We just do not fucking select them as the images to share with the world. He is definitely bearing down.

Null: The back cover is even worse. He is wearing two fucking wrist watches. Somehow, it wouldn’t seem as weird if he had them on the same wrist. Maybe, I’m wrong?

SoDak: His expression seems to be indicating that he has done something very wrong.

Null: I know that Morrissey can be self-deprecating, but he can also be vain. So, why would he put a picture of himself on the back cover like this? Any normal person would have thrown this photo out. And yet…is Morrissey playing a joke on us or does he just not give a fuck anymore? Is this intentional? Returning to the issue of gas pains from the front cover, here it looks like he just sharted. There is a foreboding sense of heavy eye-lidded relief. The only way this back cover could be improved is if his shirt wasn’t buttoned up correctly.

SoDak: I suppose that him sharting himself on the front cover explains him bearing down. He was trying to suppress a fart and instead got a surprise. The back cover presents his shame, as he stands with a leg to the side, uncomfortable from poopy drawers.

Null: Is this what it looks like when he does yard work? Is he clearing brush?

SoDak: It is the look of someone who just buried his stained underwear under the tree.

The next album cover is Linda Ronstadt, Silk Purse (Capitol, 1970)

Null: I actually have this record on vinyl. I really like this album cover.

SoDak: Hmmm.

Null: Seriously, I think it is great. Mariah Carey would never be cool enough to sit in a pigpen.

SoDak: Therefore, it is cool?

Null: Every girl I knew as a little kid lived on a farm.

SoDak: All of my cousins lived on farms. They did not sit in the pigpen without jeans and boots—maybe in the chicken coop, but not with the pigs. I suppose she is telling us that she can get down and dirty. Or maybe, she was promoting 4-H.

Null: Despite my liking of the Silk Purse cover, it has left me with some unintended mental pictures that I can’t seem to shake.

SoDak: Her loving erotic gaze upon the pig? Her happiness that the pig was going to be turned into pork chops? The fact that Linda is sitting in a pile of shit, or that after this photo she was going to go wallow in the mud with all the pigs?

Null: For some reason, this album cover and its title always leaves me with the impression of a ball sack, meaning, the ball sack of the male reproductive organ variety. I’m not sure why that is. Of course, ball sacks aren’t made of silk. Yet, maybe because of the color and texture of the pigs, I always picture Linda Ronstadt walking around with a ball-sack purse. It is just the combination of the “purse” and the pigs. I picture a “pig purse,” which my mind turns into a ball-sack purse. I may need therapy. I should probably stop talking.