By Null and SoDak
To
begin, it is important to note that Null and Sodak talk about everything under
the sun, including album covers. In a series of reviews of album covers, we
would like to address that old question, “What the fuck?”
Our first album cover is Foreigner, Head Games (Atlantic, 1979)
Null: I’ve never been a fan of Foreigner.
SoDak: Who is? I’ve never met one.
Null: They always seemed like sweaty polyester, masculine 70s
rock to me, but it feels like this album cover has haunted me my whole life.
I’ve never heard the album, but I would come upon it in record stores when I
was still in elementary school and I found it to be shocking and frightening.
My first impression was that this girl was about to be sexually assaulted in
the men’s bathroom. The look on her face is that she’s horrified by something—either
by something she just did or by something that is about to happen to her. The
slightly grainy texture of the photograph just made it that more creepy. As a
kid, I would look at it disturbingly and then move on to the next record, but
inevitably in the future, I would see it again and again. I, mean, seriously,
what the fuck?
SoDak: When I first saw this album when I was young, I was
completely confused. I did not want to look at it for very long, as it was
unsettling, but I wasn’t sure why. The image entered by head, but I did not
linger. I was not sure if she was peeing in the men’s urinal. Of course, her
skirt would then be dangling against the urinal cake. And then, why the fuck
was she holding the toilet paper? To pat herself dry?
Null: At first, I didn’t even notice she was sitting on the
urinal. If she is peeing? She is either going commando or she didn’t pull her
underwear down. Is she taking a crap?
SoDak: Maybe that is the shocked look, as she has just been
caught squeezing one out? But, again: What the fuck? There are four stalls next
to her. How old is she anyway? She is dressed like she wants to go roller-skating.
Null: Her skirt is all musical notes. However, the toilet
paper is problematic because it is coming from inside the stall. Did she crawl
under and grab it?
SoDak: And why the hell is she stepping on it?
Null: I don’t think it’s intentional. It looks like there
are names and/or numbers on the stall and she is trying to wipe them off. I
wonder if she is wiping off her name and number that someone else wrote up
there.
SoDak: I think those are names of Foreigner songs. “Double
Vision” is written just underneath her ass on the wall of the stall. That song
is not even on this record. Guess, they thought their previous album was so
worthy that it could be scrawled in bathrooms.
Null: And it is written in urine stained color. It seems the
more I know about this cover the less I understand. If this is meant as
“bathroom humor,” I don’t think it works very well. I still find it disturbing.
It looks like it could be a still from the movie Friday the 13th. Overall, I am still left with the
impression that the camera lens is a sexual predator. Maybe that is part of the
reason it is so creepy. The photographer puts the viewer in an uncomfortable
situation.
SoDak: Not to mention the girl in the photo.
The next album cover is Morrissey, Swords (Sanctuary, 2009)
Null: I have been a major fan of The Smiths for the majority
of my life. Morrissey has quite a few good records too, but he is a little hit
or miss. I thought The Smiths had great album covers. They were always a
picture of some unknown, wayward, alienated youth of some kind, which I think
perfectly captured the music. However, when Morrissey started making solo
albums he adorned them with pictures of himself. I think he should have stuck
with The Smiths tradition. Swords is
a collection of b-sides from his output from the early 2000s. When I first saw
this album cover I figured that quality control had gone out the window. The cover
is horrid.
SoDak: Does he think he is a great explorer? Where is his
spyglass? Maybe he is trying to strike a pose similar to Rodin’s The Thinker,
but for a modern, nature loving audience. Then again, when I think of
Morrissey, I never imagine him in the woods. Who the fuck knows? Perhaps, he is
looking for Grizzly Adams, and thinking about the fun they will have together.
Null: With that look on his face, he seems to be suffering
from gas pains. Is that why he is bending over? Also, he seems to have captured
the “I’m Bruce Springsteen and can’t find the top buttons of my shirt” disease.
SoDak: He certainly seems to be trying to present himself as
one of the common people. Guess, we all have gas pains. We just do not fucking
select them as the images to share with the world. He is definitely bearing
down.
Null: The back cover is even worse. He is wearing two fucking
wrist watches. Somehow, it wouldn’t seem as weird if he had them on the same
wrist. Maybe, I’m wrong?
SoDak: His expression seems to be indicating that he has
done something very wrong.
Null: I know that Morrissey can be self-deprecating, but he
can also be vain. So, why would he put a picture of himself on the back cover
like this? Any normal person would have thrown this photo out. And yet…is
Morrissey playing a joke on us or does he just not give a fuck anymore? Is this
intentional? Returning to the issue of gas pains from the front cover, here it
looks like he just sharted. There is a foreboding sense of heavy eye-lidded
relief. The only way this back cover could be improved is if his shirt wasn’t
buttoned up correctly.
SoDak: I suppose that him sharting himself on the front
cover explains him bearing down. He was trying to suppress a fart and instead
got a surprise. The back cover presents his shame, as he stands with a leg to
the side, uncomfortable from poopy drawers.
Null: Is this what it looks like when he does yard work? Is
he clearing brush?
SoDak: It is the look of someone who just buried his stained
underwear under the tree.
The next album cover is Linda Ronstadt, Silk Purse (Capitol, 1970)
Null: I actually have this record on vinyl. I really like
this album cover.
SoDak: Hmmm.
Null: Seriously, I think it is great. Mariah Carey would
never be cool enough to sit in a pigpen.
SoDak: Therefore, it is cool?
Null: Every girl I knew as a little kid lived on a farm.
SoDak: All of my cousins lived on farms. They did not sit in
the pigpen without jeans and boots—maybe in the chicken coop, but not with the
pigs. I suppose she is telling us that she can get down and dirty. Or maybe,
she was promoting 4-H.
Null: Despite my liking of the Silk Purse cover, it has left me with some unintended mental
pictures that I can’t seem to shake.
SoDak: Her loving erotic gaze upon the pig? Her happiness
that the pig was going to be turned into pork chops? The fact that Linda is
sitting in a pile of shit, or that after this photo she was going to go wallow
in the mud with all the pigs?
Null: For some reason, this album cover and its title always
leaves me with the impression of a ball sack, meaning, the ball sack of the
male reproductive organ variety. I’m not sure why that is. Of course, ball
sacks aren’t made of silk. Yet, maybe because of the color and texture of the
pigs, I always picture Linda Ronstadt walking around with a ball-sack purse. It
is just the combination of the “purse” and the pigs. I picture a “pig purse,”
which my mind turns into a ball-sack purse. I may need therapy. I should
probably stop talking.