From time to time, taint-ticklers like to ponder alternative realities.
By Chastity Morgan
The United States of America mourns the death of actor Ronald Wilson Reagan. His life came to a halt after John Hinckley Jr., in an attempt to catch Jodie Foster’s attention, shot the B-grade actor in Washington D.C. on March 30, 1981. Hinckley was not so lucky with capturing the admiration of eighteen-year-old Jodie. However, many unborn Americans are thanking him from the metaphysical plane.
Reagan got his acting debut in 1937 when he moved from Tampico, Illinois, to Hollywood, California, to pursue his dream of being a mediocre actor. He was a mentor to aspiring actors, reminding them that “producers don’t want movies good, they want them Thursday.” Such honesty served as a gentle reminder that ambition is highly overrated. His words of wisdom had long lasting impacts in Hollywood. To this day, we continue to celebrate mediocrity in the form of actors such as Seth Rogen, Bill Paxton (1955-2017), Rebel Wilson, and so many more.
Reagan’s “good enough” mentality carried him through the ranks of government where he eventually became the Governor of California in 1966. He was versatile and able to acclimate to any situation. He used his acting skills to win the hearts of the wealthy and international dictators, but he was able to stay true to his core by ensuring that social services operated with the minimal amount of resources necessary.
In 1981, his wife, Nancy Reagan, became fortieth President of the United States. (Ops, I mean, Ronald Reagan was the president.) While Nancy was promoting her naïve “Just Say No” anti-drug campaign, and reinvigorating Richard Nixon’s War on Drugs, Ronny was a having a secret love affair with high wealth earners throughout the United States.
As Jodie Foster mourns, the millions of people who were spared incarceration due to nonviolent drug offenses celebrate. Community clinics throughout the United States are welcoming the much needed federal funding from the overturn of Reagan’s repeal of The Mental Health Systems Act of 1980, signed by President Carter.
In other news, a plot to assassinate Egyptian President, Muhammad Anwar el-Sadat has been stopped.
