By Jack Stephen
February 17, 2024
We entered Denver International Airport (DIA) at 7:00 AM; the airport felt like a cluster fuck. There were people everywhere, long lines and everyone going every which way. The design of DIA is unbelievable. It makes me wonder what the designer proposed, “let’s just have some sort of mob scene everywhere and make it all nice and confusing.” We started to follow the signs for the Pre-Check line, only to be routed all kinds of directions, before ending up at an escalator going up. This is around the time I heard the DIA DJ, perplexed by the song selections.
What was playing on the speaker: “Back in Black” by AC/DC.
AC/DC was one of those bands that I really enjoyed in middle school, but I can’t remember why? Their catalog consists of an assortment of mediocre rock songs: “Shoot to Thrill,” “Dirty Deeds (Done Dirt Cheap),” “Thunderstruck,” and “Highway to Hell”— just to name a few. Nevertheless, Black in Black is an enormous album. “You Shook Me All Night Long” is one of the most popular rock songs ever. I remember some of the choice lyrics: “knocking me out with those American thighs” and “she told me to come but I was already there.” Where does an eighth grader run into such a vixen? (Note: This album was a tribute of sorts to their former lead singer Bon Scott who died of alcohol poisoning.) While it’s difficult to downplay their importance, considering the commercial success, I always thought they were just ridiculously overrated. Also, Angus Young, was the prep school uniform really necessary?
What they should have played: “Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)” by the Eurythmics, “Stay” by David Bowie, or “Fly Me to the Moon” by Frank Sinatra.
We finally made it to the Pre-Check line. It had just reopened with the new facial recognition system. After going through a maze, feeling like I was in line at an amusement park, the weed gummy I ate on the shuttle kicked in. It was the only thing making this airport experience tolerable. Truth be told, the airport was sort of manageable and efficient, considering the massive volume of people.
What was on the speaker: Nothing.
What they should have been playing: “Face the face” by Pete Townshend.
As stoned as I was, that track would’ve cracked me up—“I’m just researching child porn,” famous Townshend quote.
We headed to the big train downstairs to catch a ride to the terminals. Again, I questioned the overall design of DIA. How many kinds of people movers does one need to get on to get to a plane? We waited the “two minutes” before the next train arrived and packed in with all the other travelers.
What was on the speaker: Nothing.
What should have been on the speaker: “Soul to Squeeze” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
I think this track would have really resonated with this stinky airplane flying crowd, especially lyrically. Did anyone take a shower this morning? I sure didn’t.
We entered Terminal C and checked the board for our plane status. The flight was delayed 10 minutes. I always thought checking the board was a cool experience. Look at all the destinations! Fuck, there’s a plane going to Paris, one going to Liberia, and another headed to Costa Rica. There’s some people going to Des Moines, Iowa. Wow, nice work human race, this is cool; life gives us so many choices! Where do you want to go today?
What was playing on the speaker: “Hold Your Head Up” by Argent.
What should be playing on the speaker: This and only this track. There is nothing quite like walking through an airport with this song playing. The Hammond B-3 solo is pretty legit too.
We make it to a bathroom. Using the bathroom at an airport is just one step above pissing in a bucket in a corner somewhere. I typically remember to wash my hands like a doctor going into surgery before leaving. We then went to stand in another line at the Caribou Coffee stand.
What was playing on the speaker: “(Shake, Shake, Shake) Shake Your Booty” by KC and the Sunshine Band.
Not sure if this was a good pick or not. I guess KC and the Sunshine Band were a pretty fun, funky group; they were kind of reminiscent of the Average White Band, but with more hits. I do like several of their songs: “I’m Your Boogie Man,” “Keep it Comin’ Love” and “That’s the Way (I Like It).” That funky bass and those big horns are pretty fantastic, but they are not really the band I need at 9:00 AM while I’m waiting in yet another line for an overpriced coffee and a blueberry scone.
What should have been playing: “Sunset Grill” by Don Henley, “Too Much Time on My Hands” by Styx, or “Rainy Days and Mondays” by The Carpenters.
We grabbed our order and wandered to our gate; the plane was still another 10 minutes late. I got my wife set up in a seat with our carryon luggage, and I wandered back to the newsstand to grab a couple of newspapers.
What was on the speaker: “Listen to the Music” by the Doobie Brothers.
I’d say this is a fairly good choice. The Doobie Brothers are one of those bands who have some cool songs but probably still earn a B- as far as 1970s rock bands go. The real question is what Doobie Brothers is it? Pre or Post Michael McDonald? “Listen to the Music” is one of the songs with the former. Tom Johnson is on vocals. Overall, the song is a pretty solid jam. I was always more partial to the velvet man himself, Michael McDonald, especially “Minute by Minute,” “What a Fool Believes,” and “Real Love.” All of these are great tracks. McDonald’s timbre is just top notch. Who doesn’t like a little “Yacht Rock?” Anyway, I would have to say “Black Water” is definitely the top Doobie Bro’s track. Great structure, writing, and just a slice of fun— kinda of like a key bump. Even though I’m sure any song that references “Dixieland” probably has some racist undertones, I don’t really think about it—it’s just too much fun to sing along too.
What should have been on the speaker: “Black Water” by the Doobie Brothers.
Back to the gate, I sat there and read the goddamn newspaper, just like a gentleman should. Read a fucking newspaper already everyone. What the fuck? Local news is dying, and we need to back it up, buy a newspaper and fucking read it and think while you wait for your fucking airplane that is 10 minutes late. (Rant Over.)
I got up and walked around a bit, as needed to stretch my legs before I got on the plane. I hit the restroom once more. As I got back to the restaurant, restroom, and newsstand area, I saw these Bose bookshelf speakers spread out about ten feet apart mounted to the wall about 15 feet up—it’s like they hired my old college roommate to put those speakers up there, but enough of my complaints already.
What was on the speaker: “The End of the Innocence” by Don Henley.
This track was on the Building the Perfect Beast album, which featured some awesome 1980s jams, such as the aforementioned “Sunset Grill,” “The Boys of Summer,” and “All She Wants to Do Is Dance.” This is somewhat of a crazy ass album. I guess the synthesizers are just going out of control at points—I am unsure? Henley was blessed with the opportunity to do his own thing after his Eagles success; and he really nailed it (see “Dirty Laundry”). This is the opposite trajectory from Dennis Wilson (of the Beach Boys) and his flop Pacific Ocean Blue. I’m not sure I am a fan of “The End of the Innocence,” but I just used an airport bathroom for the second time today, so whatever.
What should have been on the speaker: “Jet Airliner” by The Steve Miller Band, “Leaving on a Jet Plane” by Peter, Paul, and Mary (written by John Denver), “Teardrop” by Massive Attack, or maybe even a little “Strangers” by the Kinks.
Where are you going, I don’t mind,
I’ve killed my world and I’ve killed my time,
So where do I go? What will I see?
As I walked down the gangplank and boarded the plane, these were some things I was recently thinking about at DIA.
