Andy Taylor – Thunder

MCA Records, 1987

The following is a transcript of a sermon delivered at the Church of Cheese, 11/22/2010

*Warning, Reverend Jimmy and Pastor SoDak are perfectly in tune with the rock and roll gods. This is manifested in the cheesing of tongues, which can be upsetting to some readers.

Reverend Jimmy (RJ): Whoooo! Can I get a hallelujah? [The congregation shouts: “Hallelujah. Praise all things cheeesssaaayyy.”] I want to welcome you to a gangbuster of a sermon tonight at the Church of Cheese. We have with us a special guest. Pastor SoDak has traveled all the whey from the southern states to help you to become one with his special cheese—mmmtofutti!

Tonight, children, we will be discussing—oooh, it gives me chills, aaah, it makes me shake and undulate with anticipation just to think about tonight’s topic—the bloomy rind of that apostle of the guitar, we will “Get it on” with Andy Taylor…. [Unintelligible due to cheering].

Brothers and sisters we all know about the genesis of Andy Taylor. Early in his career he was “Hungry Like a Wolf.” Aaawhoooo! [The congregation follows, howling in approval.] Andy joined with those Birmingham top-forty popsters, Duran Duran. But, this cheese was unpalatable to Andy Taylor. He wanted to rock, and rock he did, with the cheese master himself, Robert Palmer, in Power Station. Still Andy’s cheese was not ripe. There was one more step in the fermentation of Andy Taylor’s curds; he had to go solo. Amen-a [the flock erupts in jubilation, and sporadic cheesing of tongues can be heard].

And now raise your arms to the heavens and prepare to receive all of Pastor SoDak’s cheese. Hallelujah! Pastor SoDak, come on out here and help me rock this vestibule.

[Boston’s “More than a Feeling” blares from the loudspeakers while Pastor SoDak sprints from the back of the church to the stage while waving a cardboard guitar overhead.]

Pastor SoDak (PS): Praise the almighty makers of cheeze. Oooohyeah! My brothers and sisters it fills me with great riffs to be here today. [The cardboard guitar is raised high and then placed on a stand just below an illuminated picture of Tommy Shaw.] I want to thank Reverend Jimmy for allowing me to partake in this special celebration of Andy Taylor. It promises to be quite the fondue. Today we reach across the aisle, to partake in the body of cheeze and to learn about temptation, sin, love, and forgiveness.

After dancing on the sands with “Rio,” putting “Girls on Film,” and having “A View to a Kill,” Andy Taylor tired of velveeta tunes. He sought a coagulated sound, the real deal, a hard cheeze. The apostle helping Taylor climb this mountain of bleu cheeze is Sex Pistol Steve Jones, who makes sure the rock is persistent, that it is gorgonzolamazing. Praise the pungent power embodied in Thunder! Let me hear it, Thunder! [The people stomp their feet. The pews rattle.] I said, let me hear it, Thunder! [The windows shake, as the congregation chants Thunder! Thunder! Thunder! The pastor pounds his fist on the podium, encouraging the almighty rapture. The reverend pumps his fist in the air, as he steps forward to speak.]

RJ: Oooesromfetaroomano - I feel the power and glory of Thunder entering my being brothers and sisters—bleubrycheddar!

PS: Roquefort-rock my children. Andy Taylor is a cheese prophet of the people. He knows the value of speaking directly. There is no need to add confusion to the world. “Thunder” rings out, declaring love; and this is a message that is worth appreciating in a cold, jaded world. Read with me from page four:

When you close your eyes

I feel like I'm in heaven

When you're in my arms

I never want to leave you

No matter where you're going

Cheezemaster Taylor is not looking for greener pastures. He is not thinking about scoring with another groupie. He has everything that he wants with the person in his arms. This is pure emotion and sentiment. He does not have to seek riches, he does not have to buy rings and other jewelry, he does not have to pretend to be something that he is not. It is love that he declares. There is no crass commercialism here. Let the guitar be the ring that echoes like thunder, completing this delightful union of cheeze.

Brothers and sisters, we know that love is not simple. We have to work at our relationships. This is part of our growth. It is a process that makes for a stronger cheeze. Sometimes we struggle. Taylor explains:

What can I do that's not wrong

When will my world turn around

But hope is not lost, as commitment remains the foundation of this love:

Stand by me

I'll never let you go

Hold me close

I love you so

Is it just my heart

Lyin' to my head

Stand by me

Yes, “Stand by me.” This is not a soap opera of one-night stands. This is a union that makes us stronger. There is no need to be clever or witty here. This is pure cheeze, untainted. Such honest sentiments run through this splendid feast. Andy Taylor does not fill this record with preservatives. In a series of unadulterated tunes, he exposes his heart and makes himself vulnerable. As the songs progress, he is “Tremblin” feeling as if he has done something wrong, which may end a relationship. In “Bringin Me Down,” he speaks of loneliness and emptiness, missing his lost love. And finally, in “Broken Window,” he confronts the end of love, where something that was so important to him ends.

Through a broken window

Lies a broken heart

I tried to say I love you

But there's no place to start

Through a broken window

Is a broken dream

I had to find the hard way

That love is not what it seems

[A few folks in the pews wipe away tears.] Brothers and sisters this cheeze is good. Let the tears flow. When we share these words, these tunes, we connect to others. Here is humanity; here are shared moments; here are our lives. Eat this cheezydelight. Slowly chew this offering and recognize our own stories and dreams and disappointments. This offering unites us. Halla-cheddar-daiya-vegan-casein free-gooey goodness. This cheeze may save you. [The lights fade; dozens of lighters appear, held high, as the sound of thunder reverberates.]

[Reverend Jimmy walks out onto the dark stage and waits until the crowd notices him; partially in shadows he begins to speak as the spotlight picks him out]

RJ: Children, Andy’s 1987 record, Thunder is a masterpiece of late ‘80s guitar styling as it was ordained by the rock and roll gods. But, if I could turn somber for a moment; I would like to give you a quick overview of the demons Andy Taylor was wrasslin’ with and how he flung those figurative creatures of the dark abyss off his trail.

Oh-a, Andy was terrified, ooh, he was confused; he was in dire need of a moral cheese injection right to his core-a. Friends, Andy saw the evil side of rock and roll. He saw bandmates who did not allow him to give input into the production of the cheese he was creating. [The flock boos and hisses this affront to Andy.] He felt like a master affineur whose cheese craftsmanship was being wasted, that his being was putrefying like a block of limburger whose expiration date had passed. In rebellion Andy wrote “Don’t Let Me Die Young” as the second track on his solo record.

Under here lies a different face
In a hungry lonely soul
I guess it ain't easy
When you don't know which way to go

He was lost, adrift in a world of material temptations, before he was found. Comfort is what he needed, whoo, the kind of comfort that can only come from the familiar flavor of swiss or provolone. As Pastor SoDak has pointed out, Andy needed to get laid mondseerbrusselshavarti! Yes, he was tired of groupies, who flock to cheese, but who do not appreciate, savor, and live for the cheese. He was looking for love—with all of its troubles and joys. None of us are pure. We are scarred by past habits and experiences. Andy cautions his potential partner that, “I might lie, when I look into your eyes.” We all have moments of weakness. We all have faults. But, the moral person will admit his or her faults.

We all might lie. I ask you, my children, is there one among you who hasn’t felt like you were putting on an untrue face, by lying to a partner or being so untrue to yourself that you felt alone? [The devotees of cheese respond, shaking their heads.] I thought not.

Here, in the Church of Cheese, you can shed those feelings, much like Andy did when he left Duran Duran. The gods of cheese are here for you, to save you and your loved ones. But we can’t do it alone, no friends, we can’t do it without your support. Please open your wallets wide and give generously when you pass the collection boxes in the back of the rectory; help me help you.

[As the reverend and pastor step forward to shake hands with the congregation, Andy Taylor’s “Don’t Let Me Die Young” starts to play over the sound system. A prerecorded message plays over top of the music.] Now, is there anyone in the audience who has not accepted cheese into their lives? For a mere $14 dollars, the price of a high-quality compact disc, Reverend Jimmy and Pastor SoDak will take you in the rear and anoint your taint with cheese.