Ramones – S/T

 Sire Records, 1976 / Rhino, 2001

Review by Class Warrior

Everyone knows these songs, but you know what?  To hell with it.  I’m going to review my favorite album of all time.

I’ll keep it short and simple.  If you (yes, you!) have not heard the Ramones, go out RIGHT NOW and buy this record!  Do not order it online – that takes too long.  Drive down to the CD store (and make sure you speed!), RUN to the punk section, look under “R” (your store does have a punk section, doesn’t it?  If not, hold your nose and go to the Rock section), and find the one that says “RAMONES” and has a picture of four ugly dudes up against a brick wall.  If it helps with identification, you should also be aware that these four gentlemen have funny haircuts, leather jackets, and ripped jeans.  Tommy’s belly button is showing.  There is a tall, ridiculously skinny guy (Joey) grinning at you awkwardly. Grab the CD, RUN to the counter, elbow any other patrons out of the way (whatever they’re buying, it’s going to be worse than what you have in your hands.  When they see what you’re purchasing, they’ll understand!), and pay for it with cash so you don’t have to wait through the onerous credit card process.

If you have a CD player in your car, unwrap the cellophane and pop in the disc.  You may drive back home at your leisure, though you’ll have a hard time avoiding going fast as the pure rock and roll energy seeps into your soul.  If you don’t have a CD player, if you take mass transit, ride a bike, or (for god’s sake) you walked to the store, or if you were lucky enough to find the album on vinyl, stop wasting time!  Get home!  Put your foot on the gas, exhort the bus driver to not stop for riders, or pedal your ass off!  You spent the last however many years without the Ramones in your life – don’t waste another second.  You will spend many an hour with Johnny (guitar), Dee Dee (bass), Tommy (drums), and Joey (vocals).

For those of you who have heard this album, you know what I’m talking about when I urge the uninitiated to buy the album.    It is electric music stripped down to it barest essentials.  No keyboards, no production frills, no backup singers, nothing extra at all.  Except for a very brief lead in “Havana Affair,” the songs feature nothing but two-string power chords.  The songs are rock and roll in its purest form.  They called it punk, and they called themselves punk rockers.  A musical revolution was born.  The revolution swept through England (i.e. not the birthplace of punk), then the rest of Europe, then the world.  Interestingly enough, these American revolutionaries were virtually ignored in their own country until three of the original members died before their time.

My favorite songs on the album are “Blitzkrieg Bop” (of course), “Judy is a Punk” (my mom’s first name was Judy, and it amuses me to picture her as part of the narrative), and “53^rd and 3^rd.”  The latter song concerns the lamentations of a male prostitute standing on the corner, waiting for a john: “You’re the one they never pick / don’t it make you feel sick?”  Dee Dee tackles his first assignment on vocals in this song – he outlines the red revenge the prostitute takes upon an unsuspecting customer (and upon the wreck that the song subject’s life has become): “Then I took out my razor blade / then I did what God forbade / now the cops are after me / but I proved that I’m no sissy”.  I always thought that Dee Dee should have sung more on the early albums.  His scratchy voice was a counterbalance to Joey’s much smoother New Yawk delivery.  If I had one complaint about the album, that would be it.  IF I had a complaint—but I don’t.  All the songs on here are perfect.

When I first got a copy of this album, I listened to it over and over again for weeks, perhaps months.  I can’t remember – those days are a blur of downstroked power chords and shouts of “hey ho, let’s go”.  I don’t listen to this album nearly as often as I did back when I was a lad, but whenever I put it on I spread my legs far apart with fake guitar in hand (Johnny Ramone style), put my mouth up to the fake microphone, and pretend I’m Joey and Johnny and Dee Dee all at the same time.

I modeled my guitar playing after Johnny’s style.  I used to play nothing but downstroked power chords.  This stunted my growth on the guitar to such an extent that power chords still are the only things I can play on the instrument.  Thanks, Johnny.  When I was in college I could play every single note of every single song.  The songs are so basic that this feat was not a big challenge, but I was proud of my dubious accomplishment.  If I tried, I’m sure I could still do it.  Just give me a half hour or so, then you and I can play Ramones covers all night long.

Thankfully I didn’t model my political outlook on Johnny Ramone’s beliefs – that guy was a conservative prick!

The Ramones’ self-titled effort is the first punk album ever released.  It is the best punk album of all time, which makes it the best music of all time.  It is the standard by which I judge all other punk rock.  To give it a numerical rating would be a meaningless exercise.  Instead, I ask myself a simple question: where would I be without this album in my life?  I’d probably be working for an insurance company or something.  Fuck that!  This album will change your life if you let it in to your heart.  I love this record so much I made my son a t shirt with the album’s cover art, and I will continue to make a new t shirt with the album art every year as he grows.

Rest in punk, Joey (1951-2001) (you awkward, beautiful man), Johnny (1948-2004), and Dee Dee (1951-2002).  I wish I could have seen you perform live just once.  I’ll see all of you in hell, I guess.