“Pacing the Cage”

By SoDak

In the final moments of life, what do you do? Of course, it depends. There are innumerable situations and issues to consider, such as whether the circumstances are under your control, and if you can make choices and act on them. Oftentimes, you do not have such luxuries. 

There are so many songs that I want to hear, many times, before I die. The list is very long, and, in many ways, every single day involves filling as many hours as possible with music. Nevertheless, I am left contemplating the different scenarios of death and how different songs would be more fitting for the occasion. If I was lucky enough to live a long satisfying life, was able to communicate with loved ones, I can imagine asking to listen to Willie Nelson records before my final breath. But what would I listen to if I decided to commit suicide? I suppose this decision also depends on the context and means. I do have one song in mind for such a situation. Fear not, worry not, I have no plans to kill myself. I am merely reflecting on a particular song and moment in which such choices could be made. 

For me, if I was going to exit by my own hand, perhaps due to not wanting to confront the grizzly decline associated with a terminal disease and the fact that I do not live in a state that supports death with dignity, I might elect suicide by car exhaust asphyxiation. (I recognize that a catalytic converter on the car makes this selection problematic.) I am not one for guns and knives. I prefer the thought that I could sit in the car in the garage while listening to music as I drift toward death. The song that I would play on repeat is “Pacing the Cage” by Bruce Cockburn. I first heard this song in August 1996 at a Folks Festival in Colorado, where Bruce was playing a solo set. As the sky darkened, I got chills as Bruce started playing this song. The main guitar part is beautiful and gentle. The music alone invites contemplation and taking stock. On that night, I sat up to focus more intently, and I grabbed the hand of my partner. The opening lines floored me: “Sunset is an angel weeping / Holding out a bloody sword.” He continued: “Sometimes you feel like you live too long / Days drip slowly on the page / You catch yourself / Pacing the cage.” I shuddered, captivated by the weight and calm. The weariness was evident, as he sang: “I’ve proven who I am so many times / The magnetic strip’s worn thin.” Tears streamed down my face. With each word, Bruce held me at attention:

I never knew what you all wanted

So I gave you everything

All that I could pillage

All the spells that I could sing

It’s as if the thing were written

In the constitution of the age

Sooner or later, you’ll wind up

Pacing the cage.

The extended guitar part that followed let the words sink in, before the last verses:

Sometimes the best map will not guide you

You can’t see what’s round the bend

Sometimes the road leads through dark places

Sometimes the darkness is your friend

Today these eyes scan bleached-out land

For the coming of the outbound stage.

The song left me stunned. It haunted me. I loved the closing exploration, embracing the circuitousness of life and, perhaps, the feeling that you have done all you can. While the struggles of life are noted, the song generates a sense of peace, comfort, and ease. In many ways, this is exactly what I would hope to feel as I drew life to an end. 

“Pacing the Cage” has stayed with me since first hearing it, months before it was released on his album The Charity of Night. It remains one of my favorites by Bruce. As so much of life involves “pacing the cage,” I carry the song forward, trying to make the most of the time that I have, hoping for some form of peace and comfort, whenever it may come.