Festivus Musical (and then Some) Grievances 2023

We share here some of the musical grievances of fellow taint ticklers.

Jimmy “Explosive Diarrhea” B.:

Let’s get my feelings about the new Virgin Steele album out of the way. I fucking love it. It is the best thing David Defeis has done since the late 1990s. The vitriol that I am about to lay out is not aimed at the band; I am pissed off at reviewers. I will get back to Virgin Steele momentarily. Please indulge me while I whine about reviews in general.

Does it seem like online reviews are getting worse? Nearly everyone loved the last two Low albums. Why? They were complete shit. My mainstream media consumption is limited to two sources, National Public Radio and the Guardian newspaper. Their music sections are dominated by pop and hip hop. I recognize the importance of pop, but do all mainstream reviews have to be about Beyoncé or that other pop chick, the blonde one with the extremely high ticket prices?

Reviewers of the new Virgin Steele record, The Passion of Dionysus (hereafter, Passion), have three primary complaints. First, they hate the production. Second, they hate the operatic nature of the music. Third, they hate David Defeis. I cannot adequately address the dislike the reviewers have of Defeis, but I will attempt to rebut the first two points.

I demand decent production. Bad production pisses me off. I have been complaining for years about Iron Maiden’s production, and the production on Rush’s Clockwork Angels was some of the worst in recent memory. But the output from these popular bands is loved and reviewers seldom or never mention the atrocious production values. They seem afraid to piss off the rabid fan base of these bands. Smaller, more niche, bands do not get the same treatment. The production on Passion is better than Maiden’s Jujensi. Bruce Dickinson’s vocals are buried, even the drumming is somewhat buried. The only thing that really jumps out on Jujensi is the bass playing. Contrast this with Passion where the vocals are out front, exactly where they should be on an operatic metal recording that happens to be a concept album where the lyrics, and hence the vocals, matter.

Not everyone likes a rock, or in this case metal, opera. I get it. So why would a reviewer choose to review something that is outside of his/her comfort zone. I would never attempt a serious review of a Taylor Swift record. I would hate every minute of this kind of album even though it might be a good example of whatever sub-genre it belongs to. I would give it zero stars, and I would not tickle my taint for even one second. I would only review something like this as a joke, and I would make it obvious to you that I was joking. If you hate operatic metal as much as I hate most pop, then stay the fuck away from a band like Virgin Steele and stick with what you know. These fucking online reviewers steered me away from Passion for a long time. It had been out for about a year before I finally bought a copy, and now I am rather pissed off. From one online reviewer to all y’all (except the Taint Ticklers of course) fuck you!

Scott:

Over the summer, I saw Metallica with some old friends. A nice nostalgic sort of evening. So I forked over $$$ for a tour shirt. As I was walking away from the merch table, I noticed that the shirt was missing the tour dates on the back—damn! I waited in line again, got a replacement shirt, and went on my way. The show was fine. I wore the shirt a few times over the next several months, but something seemed off. The graphic on the front—was it messed up somehow? Could it actually be crooked? Nah. Just my imagination. But it bothered me whenever I looked at it, so finally I got out a tape measure. And sure enough...the motherfucker was crooked.

SoDak:

Cell Phones. One of my previous grievances included individuals using their cell phones to film concerts. I do not think this issue will disappear. Regardless, it is tiring trying to watch concerts as assholes hold their phones high, blocking the view of others, while they stare at shitty images on their little screens rather than being present at shows.

Throwing Cups at Shows: This action seems to come and go in waves. Never really understood why assholes like to throw cups, sometimes empty, at other people at shows. I can imagine that if I picked up a cup and tossed it at the back of the head of the prick who just threw a cup, they would think I was being an asshole. 

Ex-Presidents Appearing in Music Documentaries: It is shameful that many music documentaries include interviews with former presidents, such as Clinton, Bush, Obama, all international war criminals, who talk about the importance of the artists and their humanitarian efforts. 

Christmas Record as a Final Album: In general, I am not a fan of Christmas records, but it is baffling when a band ends their career with one of these turds. 

This year, I witnessed some particularly horrific performances by opening acts. Jet Black Roses played really bad cover songs, which comprised over half of their set. It would have been better to just mic a radio and let it play for forty minutes before the main act. Even worse was witnessing Me First and the Gimme Gimmes. Their set of cover songs is uninspired, boring, and messy. They manage to remove any fun, beauty, and energy from every song. Their gimmick sucks. It was never interesting or good. Unfortunately, I ended up seeing Lorna Shore twice this year. I tried to avoid the second time by going to the show late, but I was not late enough. Painful experience. Got to hear the singer exclaim that tipping bar tenders indicates how the United States is the greatest country on the planet. Seems like a very low bar for any type of measurement. Meaningless bullshit. Last grievance item is the band Last, a solo, synthesizer-driven project. The first minute might have been intriguing, but then it became unbearable. I verged on the point of wishing for my death just to end the experience.