By The Infidel Cowboys (Lusk, Wyoming)
The following is a work of “fan fiction.”
On July 24, 2026, Hegseth was found dead in a stall in a barn in Kentucky. His skull showed evidence of blunt force trauma. News of his death was met with a mix of indifference and a sigh of relief. Nevertheless, there was some curiosity regarding the cause of his demise. The discovery of his journal, I Am a Warrior: My Domination of the Animal Kingdom, alongside his testosterone advocacy for U.S. soldiers to maintain the “leading edge of lethality” have generated much speculation regarding what transpired in the Bluegrass State.
Hegseth’s journal was filled with cryptic notes, symbols, drawing of animals, and photos of his tattoos and his penis. On every page, the phrase Deus vult (God wills) was written, just as it was tattooed on his right bicep, with hand drawn images of the Jerusalem cross. He carried his right-wing Christian nationalist beliefs on his body and in his private thoughts, believing that he was a chosen one, moral in the eyes of God and above his fellow creatures. He hated feminism and the prospects of equality. He feared the democratic process. His hateful ideas were scrawled across the pages, as an exercise for the nonsense he stated in public. On several pages, he had a tally sheet, where he kept track of the women he had “fucked,” noting the dates and how he felt about his “conquests.” His infidelities were widely documented and contributed to his failed marriages, yet he strutted like a peacock, thinking he was special. As a self-described “nice guy,” he thought it was perfectly fine for him to sexually assault women. His disgusting behavior led his own mother to claim that he was “an abuser of women,” yet Fox News and her son quickly forced her to recant her statement and to claim that he had changed.
Dozens of pages in the diary were filled with symbols, such as the Walmart Spark and arrows, alongside a list of various animals. In a column on a few pages, one word was repeated—Cat, Cat, Cat, Cat, Cat—on every line. Eventually, more details were included: Cat (Black), Cat (Ginger), Cat (Gray), Cat (Calico). Then the list started to vary, filled with types of dogs— Pomeranian, Poodle, Bulldog, Retriever, Labrador, German Shepherd. Following this, the list of animals varied between cats, dogs, sheep, and pigs. Next to the name of each animal, the Spark appeared with an arrow, two arrows, or three arrows hitting the center of the symbol.
Investigators studied this section of the journal for a couple days, followed by reading his entries, where he made numerous declarations regarding his dominion over nature, especially all its animals. They determined that this list was another tally sheet. Here Hegseth was recording the types of animals and number of times he had sexual relations with these creatures. The arrows penetrating each Spark next to name of an animal detailed the bestiality. At first, there was some skepticism regarding this conclusion, but at the back of the warrior journal there was key, which unlocked a box filled with photographs of a familiar penis and Hegseth’s tattooed arm constraining God’s creatures.
The medical examiner hesitated to release the findings, but decided the truth must be known. She provided a detailed report, noting how Hegseth died from a swift kick from the horse that accompanied him in the stall, knocking him off the stairs that he climbed to rape the equine. A horseshoe imprint was clearly visible on Hegseth’s cranium. Blood saturated the hay that surrounded his naked body. His shriveled penis, which he seemed so obsessed with in his journal, was unremarkable.
While many people snickered at the devious activities of Hegseth, the majority recognized him as a dangerous scumbag and were pleased that he finally got his due. The musician Willi Carlisle immediately wrote a song celebrating the horse’s precision kick, embodying the “leading edge of lethality.”
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